Recovery Log 3: goodbye mirror of dreams

"I don't need it".

That's what I've always said to myself when I was in high school during the time that every single student had a "reminder booklet". At dismissal time, everyone begins fixing their backpacks, and the common way of doing it is putting all the stuff out first, then putting it back all neat and organized so as for the backpack to not look bulky when carried around. I would always spot those tiny notebooks that aren't intended for any of the subjects in school. Those that come in many fancy shapes ornamented with print which i assume to be something that they bought for it speaks of something about themselves. It was a thing though, and not having one at that time would automatically make you be labelled as dumb, unorganized, dissident, not worthy of being called a student etc.

I bought one just for the sake of escaping the stereotype but I seldom use it. What I often used was, the mirror of dreams.

Essentially I have this big mirror in my room where I write everything I want to accomplish in a particular time frame. *taken a year ago*----->

I use a whiteboard marker so that I could erase the tasks when I successfully finish them or when I decide to give up on them.


There aren't any rules to follow, or guidelines i take in mind when I write the goals down. I just let my stream of consciousness flow and jot down everything i want for myself.

Today comes my realization that I'm not superman. That it's possible for me to actually be hit by an arrow in the knee. The sickness that dawned on me, made it clear that I cannot, at the moment, pressure myself into accomplishing the things currently written down in my mirror of dreams...

acquire a bachelor's pad.

sculpt those six pack abs by the end of the school year.

be able to present my senior project study somewhere outside my hometown.

10,000 youtube subscribers.

develop an impressionable third person game to showcase in the upcoming software festival.

help in the maintenance of iTyphoon.

be handsome for and take care of my girlfriend.

I did a reality check, and felt convinced, that I cannot accomplish any of these... for now.
- - - - -

As I was erasing the things written in the mirror of dreams, I noticed that the mirror was already covered with dust, since it has been three months *coz i got sick* since I updated the things I wrote.

What came to me as a warm and comforting chunk of insight was that, as I was erasing what i wrote, the accumulated dust got swept off with it. The mirror became clearer to look at now, with all the dust gone.

This made me see, not my dreams.... Not the things that I pressure myself to do... Not the deadlines..... Not the revenge driven aims...

What I saw was myself...

It's neithan... and neithan is sick... and the mirror made me see that there is no goal to be dealt with right now other than to see myself as someone who needs to recover...
- - - - -

Goodbye mirror of dreams.... goodbye...

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recovery log 2: ₱2 worth of Christmas

Although my head still feels a wee bit heavy from being sick for quite a long time now. I decided to write and let the randomness flow, for i deem it as an attempt to gradually get back to how things were; normal.

The first of this recovery log series I wrote on my tumblr account. It's a three sentence description of my general wellness last week. *copy-pastes-first-recovery-log-here*

recovery log 1…

"i can now last 5 hours in front of the computer without my heart palpitating..

this must mean I’m recovering a little.,
I wish to be on facebook and youtube starting next week.,.,"

Yeah it's not much... Just three straightforward sentences to update people of how I'm doing.

What forced me write today though was what happened this afternoon when my batch mate gave me this small tangerine orange which she allegedly bought for two pesos. She said it was an early Christmas offering. Hence, the metaphorical title, ₱2 worth of Christmas. She told me to blog about it, and use the title she suggested, so thank you MaryRose for the vitamin C filled orange ball of wellness which i hope would help accelerate my recovery. ^^

Now I proceed to the story of how close I got to having a friend. 

Just recently, when i was all sick and ill, i braced myself for the worst birthday ever. By worst, i mean, It's the only birthday when I'm thinking more of death than life, because of the aforementioned sickness that has been haunting (?) me for the past months. 

However, despite the 'feeling all sick and weary' part, the day went great and I wish to reserve a full story about it for another post.

Part of that day though, which I consider one of the insanely spectacular events that happened, was the unexpected gift I received from a schoolmate.

I was replying to the facebook greetings that night when somebody messaged me up, I ticked the messages tab and found attached, two pictures of cute photoshopped images. One was i guess a cover design filled with the greeting "happy birthday neithan". and the other one was the letter proper.

Before I got this present from her I came to be aware that I feel light towards her. To me she's like a little brother...... well, i guess with the addition of boobs. a little brother with boobs. That's sounds like a totally normal and sound way to describe her., LOL.,., I refer to her as a little brother, though she's a she, since that's how she fits. To me my brothers are people who are special friends. She is like that, a special friend.

Although I think what might have boosted her being special to me is the fact that for a single moment, during that time when I was reading that photoshopped letter she gave me, I felt the possibility of having a friend.

*flashback* This isn't a new issue, the people whom I called friends sort of left me, not so long ago... and partly because I did decide to distance myself from them too. All because of a misunderstanding that I cannot remember the details about anymore. I'm not even sure who was right or who was wrong, but what I'm sure of though is that i had my faults.

I almost was convinced that I had recovered from it fully, until I got that birthday gift... A message signalling an opportunity to gain a friend, which both frightened me and made me happy. It was torture in disguise.

I talked to my girlfriend about it. And since she knew what I went through. How i lost them, how I tried to gain them back, how I grieved, how I ached, how I mustered strength to carry on... she encouraged me to pursue this chance of friendship that showed itself. The only problem is, "little brother's" peers do not know a shit about all the drama. And to them, I'm just some senior student hitting on a girl. I do not come across as "that sincere dude who wants a friend".

This afternoon was also the time that I realized things were starting to get awkward between little brother and I as well as I with her friends. I'm not that fit enough I guess to go through all the 'starting a friendship with someone' thing again. As in the words of that detective whose shows I would always watch when I was still a kid, "I'm too old for this stuff".

Anyway, it does not end entirely on a sad note, the last of the messages i left her was, "text me if you need anything, 0927423XXXX"...which may imply as long as I have this number, My chance of me responding to her needs would always be sure.

Little brother's sick today. And my observations tell me her coughs are getting worse... I hope she recovers soon... Her being sick, reminded me that I indeed have this bad habit of attracting people who I can take care of. How I wish, for even just once, I can accidentally find someone who can take care of me. *That line sounded so gay when I read it again but sounded so dramatically masculine when I rehearsed it inside my head* Maybe that's why I'm insisting on calling her a bro. Bros have the ability to take care.

Anyway, I've already dropped hints to her friends that the pursuit would end soon. As usual, i did it through casual jokes. As of now I do not know how I'll respond to her when we personally see each other around campus. Maybe I'll give her a tangerine orange... a vitamin C filled orange ball of wellness which i hope would help accelerate her recovery.

Once a brother... Always a brother... =] Always!

*This was rushed, so forgive the crappy typos if there are any* ^^;

i love you guys! Thanks for hearing me rabblebabble

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