Recovery Log 3: goodbye mirror of dreams

"I don't need it".

That's what I've always said to myself when I was in high school during the time that every single student had a "reminder booklet". At dismissal time, everyone begins fixing their backpacks, and the common way of doing it is putting all the stuff out first, then putting it back all neat and organized so as for the backpack to not look bulky when carried around. I would always spot those tiny notebooks that aren't intended for any of the subjects in school. Those that come in many fancy shapes ornamented with print which i assume to be something that they bought for it speaks of something about themselves. It was a thing though, and not having one at that time would automatically make you be labelled as dumb, unorganized, dissident, not worthy of being called a student etc.

I bought one just for the sake of escaping the stereotype but I seldom use it. What I often used was, the mirror of dreams.

Essentially I have this big mirror in my room where I write everything I want to accomplish in a particular time frame. *taken a year ago*----->

I use a whiteboard marker so that I could erase the tasks when I successfully finish them or when I decide to give up on them.


There aren't any rules to follow, or guidelines i take in mind when I write the goals down. I just let my stream of consciousness flow and jot down everything i want for myself.

Today comes my realization that I'm not superman. That it's possible for me to actually be hit by an arrow in the knee. The sickness that dawned on me, made it clear that I cannot, at the moment, pressure myself into accomplishing the things currently written down in my mirror of dreams...

acquire a bachelor's pad.

sculpt those six pack abs by the end of the school year.

be able to present my senior project study somewhere outside my hometown.

10,000 youtube subscribers.

develop an impressionable third person game to showcase in the upcoming software festival.

help in the maintenance of iTyphoon.

be handsome for and take care of my girlfriend.

I did a reality check, and felt convinced, that I cannot accomplish any of these... for now.
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As I was erasing the things written in the mirror of dreams, I noticed that the mirror was already covered with dust, since it has been three months *coz i got sick* since I updated the things I wrote.

What came to me as a warm and comforting chunk of insight was that, as I was erasing what i wrote, the accumulated dust got swept off with it. The mirror became clearer to look at now, with all the dust gone.

This made me see, not my dreams.... Not the things that I pressure myself to do... Not the deadlines..... Not the revenge driven aims...

What I saw was myself...

It's neithan... and neithan is sick... and the mirror made me see that there is no goal to be dealt with right now other than to see myself as someone who needs to recover...
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Goodbye mirror of dreams.... goodbye...

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