Legacy Project: The Fifth Second

*The Outreach Reflection (previous article) is a better read, seriously x.x this one is too random, unstructured and aimless, I was rushing this because of a pending errand given to me by mom*


During that time when I got bitten by a dog, I estimate that for the first 4 seconds I was denying the fact that I got bitten. During those four seconds of shock my body was reacting to the situation as if the bite did not connect, so I was basically trying to lunge left and right in the hope of evading something that already hit me. It was only during the Fifth second that I acted upon the situation with me wholeheartedly accepting that I got bitten. I had to man up.

Nothing says you'll be saying goodbye like making a Legacy Project. Making something that you'll gonna be leaving behind. Leaving behind something means you'll be going away. And that thought, for quite some time, overshadowed my excitement to finally be able to work and make money. If i ever get a job


Although I'm not sure as to the certainty of me being able to graduate this March, still the thought came to me, that graduating from college feels different from graduating from high school. Or maybe it's just that I view it as the end of structured learning. I never saw myself as a guy having a PhD at the end of his name. I feel just being able to graduate college is enough. I think.


I have always pictured the other side as my window of opportunity. When I was in elementary, High school seemed to be the promised land. I forced myself to excel in the things I could excel in only to find out that, things I love to excel in stuff that do not merit the support of the school (a kind of support I've always wanted to have) for the reason that It's not helping in the promotion of the university. I like playing the guitar. I love doing covers. I like volleyball. I like cooking desserts. I like facilitating during ORSEM activities... i like to do all those non-academic stuff that has no chance of being put in a tarpaulin outside the gates of the school. I happen to like doing the useless things that won't merit me a medal and be commended during the Monday Assemblies at the university Gym. I like these hobbies that I can always turn to, whenever I feel bad, that this particular person got a shot at this particular opportunity, for the sole reason that he is more handsome than me. The only good opportunity for me during high school was that program organizers back then would seek my help in playing the guitar for certain singers during prom, intramurals etc. But then again, the credits usually go to the one at the center of the stage., the singer. 


The lack of support for the things I love doing made me feel down most of the time. This is apart from the bullying I got, and heartbreaks I received. It made me believe that College is the promise land. My window of opportunity. So come college I decided to take a different approach. I was bargaining with puberty, "Please give me muscles, so that I won't look so wimpy at college, I wouldn't wanna be pitiful in front of the many girls that dumped me in high school". I was mind setting for success. "This time I'm gonna be involved in endeavors that would put my name in tarpaulins!". I was re-evaluating my intentions. "I want every girl who thought I was a nobody to regret ever having thought that!". I was making the plan concrete, "Mom, please buy me a laptop, I'll look cool and intelligent". I was all set in proving to my algebra professor who gave me a 77 mark during my second year in high school that he made a very big mistake. I was very sure that a day would come when I'll be so good in academics that I'd be able to show my chemistry teacher she made a mistake of giving me detention when in fact it was my seatmate who cheated in the exam.


And yet here I am, doing the Legacy Project... which is the mark of the end of college.,, without actually being successful at any of the things I said I wanted to do. The last laugh isn't mine. 


Although I did try my best, at practically everything, someone was always better. The constant chase for the perfect, just made me fall sick. And now, I become frightened whenever I am faced with a situation where I want to give it my hundred percent... since, by experience, giving it my all will make me sick. 


Legacy is a nice word to attribute to the old. And that's how I feel at the moment. Too old to do stuff. I feel as if i need to take a break.


This is exactly what I'm afraid of. Whenever given a task to reflect about something and I feel there isn't enough time. I tend to lose focus on what I want to say. I just scrolled up to check on what I wrote on the first sentence. And the next few lines are my attempt to synthesize everything, my attempt to make sense out of this chaos I just typed.


The Legacy Project made me re-evaluate how I tried to go through the college as a whole because it's one of those things that mark the end of something. I knew I gave my all, but there's a feeling that something's not right. Maybe it's because i never had that experience of finishing strong. I always found myself in the middle part of a list. I never was the one on top, I am the one in front when the honors would be given to the ones at the back. I was an award anti-magnet... and this bugs me, since it's nearing graduation and I expect that most of the tears that are gonna be shed during graduation is coming from the feeling of disappointment rather than a sense of victory. That is, if I graduate.


I guess doing the Legacy Project is being in the Fifth Second, It is a point of no return. I just have to man up and deal with it. But I don't discount the fact that it's a very cool project. It really is! and I'm excited to see it being implemented soon.



◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇