The weeks I spent with Ed

Upon writing this post I finally understood why 'conversation' is deemed by many as a vital human need.

The thoughts in this post have been rotting inside my head since Sunday afternoon of two weeks ago. Keeping them unsaid was an attempt to find the right timing, which I realized would never come. I forgot that even the brain cannot escape the laws of nature, thoughts pile up and they become heavy... While I am totally OK with the idea of waiting for that elusive timing to come. I also am growing weary of carrying the weight. Hence, this post; Out of timing.

Writing is awesome... Once a thought is written down, It's out there. It frees that part of your mind that has been holding it in pain, or in *insert any emotion here*, for quite a long time..
Thank you angels for being at the other side of this monitor that I see in front of me.,. You're the reason why I'm technically conversing right now., and not just writing stuff down. **hugs*

anyway.,.

Today I free that part of my mind that held the thought about that little dreamer inside of me who uploaded his first youTube video last June 25, 2010...

What made me dwell on that memory was finding out that my favorite YouTuber, Toby Turner uploaded a video of an acoustic version of Nothing Else Matters by Metallica a year shy from when I uploaded my first video ever. Here is his awesome cover.

This song has been one that I have been playing by heart ever since I started learning how to play the guitar during 1st year high school (2004). The one who taught it to me was a construction worker, whose name I can no longer remember, who at that time was hired to work on a complete overhaul of our neighbor's roof. During weekends he would come to our neighbor's house at around 8am. As he begins working, I hear the pounding of hammers and mallets.,., This served as my alarm clock for roughly three weeks,.,

The routine was he would get tired and take a break at around 10am,.. the same time I like to get my favorite chair, place it somewhere outside, sit on it and rock out with my guitar - - - and by 'rock out' i mean, I twitch my fingers desperately as I held the guitar neck and make awkward unattractive man poses in an attempt to sound out chords...

I remember telling him not to teach me anything for I do not know yet how to strum. You see, at that time, my friends told me that people aren't worthy of being taught how to play the guitar unless they already know how to strum. I lifted my guitar and tried to place it on the construction worker's lap, as if to say., 'go ahead, play... I'll just sit and listen...' but before the guitar's body could touch his lap he held the guitar and placed it back onto mine. In his lips were the words., 'You don't necessarily need to make the strings sound altogether [strum] you can actually play them one by one [pluck] and they'll still sound good'. So came the existence of (link->) my acoustic cover of Metallica's Nothing Else Matters

My Egotistic Dreamer inside, that persona in me that wants to make it big on youTube, has been having his way with me for the past weeks.,. Let's call him "Ed" (egotistic dreamer) as I will refer to him much in this post.,.,

While I constantly try to dodge establishing it to myself, I started to believe that being able to play that acoustic cover is the closest I'd ever get to being like the person I idolize... Suddenly, I came to accept that the 5000 subscribers goal that I've set for myself, (it was actually a million in the beginning, LOL, yeah, I was beyond stupid.,XD), will never materialize.,. Ed was still going for it though.,.,

It was after a good night's rest, on the night of that lazy Sunday, that I finally convinced him to accept that I could never be like Toby - - - as Ed uploaded that cover and as I watched it over and over again, it became clearer and clearer to me that I should let go of  what Ed wants to do., and that I should talk to Ed about it.

Ed was giving me the guilt trip. He made me remember that I could already decently play Nothing Else Matters ever since 2005, the same year youTube was created, the same year (link->) the first ever youTube video was posted, four years before Toby did his... He gave me the smirk as he said, "you could have made it if you posted it then, you had lots of free time, it could have been a rush you could brag to your friends... it could have merited you a date with your high school crush.,., she could've said yes when you asked her out to prom.,. it could've made the bullies think twice about beating you up". For a while I was silent... I went out of the room and drank a glass of water hoping to come up with something I could tell Ed in reply.,.,

upon entering the room again i said, "Ed, creating a miracle at that time wasn't possible".

You see angels,... I do believe in miracles, and that they are made up of two things... Materials and Timing.

2005 was full of timing... the musical content of what was to be uploaded underwent a honing period of about a year.. it was ripe and ready to be shown... but what's lacking though are the materials needed to make the miracle happen. I told Ed in rebuttal, "Are you really so arrogant as to forget that the only reason why you were able to attend high school was because of financial aid? Did it slip your mind that all the free time you're talking about was spent trying to find a place to stay in for the night because your mom is trying to keep you away from your eldest brother who loses himself upon indulging in alcohol? Did it escape from your memory the moments when you desperately wanted to consider asking for an internet connection inside the house, but you choose not to for you observe that your eldest brother drains your mom of money just to get his fix? Wasn't it obvious enough that your experiences took a toll on your self-esteem? which would probably be the reason why even if you tried to play the piece with all the heart you could muster it still wouldn't have enough of it? We didn't have the materials Ed.... no camera, no laptop, no FL studio, no self-esteem, no support from people we love, no place to call home"

Toby, or Tobuscus, as he calls himself, had the materials... all the above that I wasn't privileged to receive plus the material that I deem to be a vital reason for his success... Mombuscus, his supportive mother. Toby, in his interview with the guys at the Sandhandle Media Conference, mentioned that his mom took out a loan to buy him his first ever camera. Which he then used to make music videos and sketches.(link->) In some of which he was with his mom. Toby said his mom wanted him to be a dentist but the long bargaining ended with Mombuscus saying to Toby, "If you really want to be a comedy-actor-singer kind of person then I'll loan you a camera". Then began as Toby calls, 'The best days of his life'

Ed replied, as I expected that it would beg the question, "So you hate your mother for not being supportive?"...

"Not at all", I said, "I could compare the support and care she's given me to diamond ingots that could be forged into diamond swords... Everything good about me comes from her.,., and life is bearable just by the fact that she exists...  It's just that the dream I wanna forge this time around calls for the use of golden ingots and not diamond ones... Mom doesn't know about youTube... uploading videos would appeal to her as wasting time... I wouldn't get money out of it.,. the miracle of 2005 was waiting to happen but we were broke in all possible levels.... like I said., we don't have the materials at that time... we can't demand from people who care about us things that they cannot give, similarly, we cannot magically control nature to produce for us conveniently the ingots we seek".

After that statement of mine, Ed and I both agreed that "it takes a great deal of everything that's NOT you to make YOU happen". This is personally monumental for me, especially that in crawling my way through college, I always held this mantra that helping myself and doing everything that I can to improve things about me, is key to be later on successful in endeavors I choose. It came as a slap to the face that it's actually possible that you give everything in your capacity to produce stuff in the hope of attaining personal aims and still miss getting what you want. I realized it to the core that you could only have control over producing/doing what you want... The person you become after that is for the world/universe to decide.

I told Ed that I have reason to believe that 90% of what made successful people who they are, are neither themselves nor the things they did. But the degree of how much people responded to what they did.....

I halted Ed as I felt he was gonna gonna make a point.... I said, " - - - No Ed, doing stuff now will not make people respond in a way that it would attain the standards you set. The sad truth is bajillions of people are better than us now... During 2005 we could've faked that we were better than others but now., we're just gonna be judged as mediocre by the eyes of the interwebs.,., We have the materials nao., a laptop, a camera, a nice internet connection, a decent mic, a more decent version of that high school punching bag.,., but our timing is way.,,.way.,.,WAY off.,,. We're gonna get a job soon.,., we'll be occupied with trying to be awesome at whatever it is that we will get ourselves into.,. we'll be busy making money.,. we'll be worrying about real life.,., we'll be pressured about getting the house done for mom.,., life will happen Ed.,., and in order for it to work.,, we should bid each other goodbye."

We were both silent for quite some time..
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"I should get going nao i guess".,, Ed said...

"Yes.... I guess you should"... I said in reply...

As he was leaving the room I blurted out.,.,"But you know Ed,,,"

he stopped and looked at the mirror from an angle where he could see my reflection.

"We actually did successfully create some sort of a miracle..,"

I was looking at his reaction in the mirror.,., he was clueless and sarcastic as if to say, *If you're gonna pull out something good from this it better convince me...*

"Think about it"., i continued., "we met an awesome sister.,., isn't it that you get strength to upload stuff knowing that you're sure to have one person out there who will surely like, favorite and comment on the hardwork you did? she could've simply disappeared right? I mean, this is the internet., but she chose to stay.,., I guess the materials were there and the timing was perfect.,,., We met Ciege, Yutsuki, Murtag32, Rookie and all the people who constantly comment on the videos you post the minute you upload them., Isn't it that you consider their comments as little victories that get you through the day? again,, the materials were there and the timing was perfect.,., What about AGD? Weren't they the ones who gave you hope to face the year 2010? When during the eve of December 31st you were with them in skype as you shelter yourself from the firecrackers cozily in your room? Both material and timing were present weren't they?"...

"Ed, what you want for me is something I appreciate.,., but something I know I wouldn't be able to do.,., especially now that the real world asks that we focus on it.,. I believe in our creativity, and I feel we could use that to think of ways on how we could maintain showing love to people we presently have..,, the covers require much work.,.,you know that.,, and the time we'll spend in making them could be time we could use to better ourselves in the field we chose.,.,"

"In uploading videos to simply stay connected.,. I should let go of you and your hunger for that 5000-subscribers mark.,. because uploading videos such as these that I plan to, would not latch on to something that would pickup more views or would impress people.,, it's gonna be what will fall under your basket for mediocrity.,., and to stay mediocre while having a goal is senseless.,., I'm gonna start doing things not for the subs this time., and that means letting go of you and the dreams you have for me.., It was a nice ride though.,, everything was worthwhile.,"..,

Ed nodded as he exited the room awkwardly forcing out the words.,,"Bye Neith"...

"Goodbye Ed".

*is trying to end the post in a happy note* - I still find it awesome that (link->) the first ever word spoken on youtube is "Alright" 

Angels, I'll see you tomorrow.,

*hugs* 

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